New Year's 2006/07

Creeping up on a year after The Party That Didn't Suck, all my buddies wondered how I would possibly follow it up, since New Year's 07' was right around the corner. However, heading into December there was a huge obstacle towards ensuring that this year's party will be as much of a success: I did not have a venue. After the previous year's party, which cost more than $2,000 in damages, my parents would not let me throw a party on their premises Ever Again.

Investigating other options, I tried to find a hotel room I could rent out for the occasion. So I searched for hotels in Manhattan on New Year's Eve, and the cheapest one I could find was about 3,000 dollars or so for the night. Fuck that. I optioned off the idea to a couple of my friends of throwing their apartments into the ring. But given my recent proclivity towards unruly drunken behavior, and the likely presence of my friend Casa Nova, who was responsible for the majority of the damages of my previous New Year's blowout, none of my immediate friends wanted to touch the subject of hosting this party with a 50 foot pole.

I considered having everyone meetup at a bar. But given that every single hole in the wall, piece of shit bar on the island of Manhattan is packed to the gills on New Year's and charges an average of 8 dollars a beer and 150 bucks for an open bar package, well out of the price range of many of my usual crew, that option was quickly discarded. I was determined to throw a house party whatever the hell it took.

A week later, I got relief from the most unlikely of sources, my old friend Phase. Phase told me to hit up his buddy "Mo Schlub", who supposedly had a place of his own at the time uptown near Columbia. So I contacted Mo through his Myspace page (which apparently is the ONLY way to reach him), and asked him if I could bring the party there. Very reluctantly, he told me his place was OK to have a "small gathering" of mine and Phase's friends. I'm very sorry to say it, but pressing the "send" button on that message was the BIGGEST fucking mistake of his entire life.

You do not tell me to have a "small gathering of friends". You give me an inch, I will take a fucking mile. You saw what I did with a "small gathering of friends" the year before. I had already invited a couple hundred people to this "new years event" on facebook with the location listed at "TBA". Well I ran the good news to my group of friends, and despite the remote location of Mo's apartment, they were all in. So, I changed the "TBA" on my facebook account listing to Mo's house. I had no idea he had Facebook, but Mo was somehow alerted of the event listing, and he fucking freaked out thinking that over 200 people had been invited over to his house- which I would not find out til' much later. Whoops, didn't think that one through. That will become a common theme of this story.

So I spent the next week getting everyone psyched for the party and checking the guest list, anxiously waiting to see who would come through. But then, another major roadblock came to my big plans.

At the time, I had a part-time dead end job at one of America's top radio providers (I will not give their name, because they have subsequently fired me, and I would rather not have them sue me as well). How dead-end was it, you may ask. Basically it constituted me coming into a huge room in their office, pushing a couple buttons, and listening to a sports broadcast all the way through. That included pre-game, post-game, and intermission, the "rules" stating that there were absolutely no bathroom breaks and absolutely no usage of the Internet (a rule I disobeyed many times, leading to the both the birth of this website and my demise in the company.)

Every guy who was stuck with this job hated it and looked for any possible way out of doing it, because another aspect of this position was that it took away anything even resembling a normal weekend, with some games going into the wee hours of Saturday and Friday nights. My supervisors were miserable sacks of shit, and my boss "DeuschBag", well let's just say he lived up to his name.

When I started this job I thought doing weekends was bad enough, but I didn't think there was any way possible they could make me do holidays, especially not the biggest holiday of all. But lo and behold, two weeks before this New Years event I get a call from DeuschBag.

DeuschBag: "I'm gonna need you to come in and do a game on New Year's Eve.

Me (SD): OK. During the day is fine.

DB: No, I'm gonna need you to come in New Year's... at night.

SD: But I really can't. I already have plans.

DB: Do you wanna keep this job or not? I have a line of guys looking to replace you. Since you're a newcomer you're expected to step up for us. We have a system of loyalty here, you gotta pay your dues and maybe I'll let you off next year. So what's it gonna be?

SD: No... I... you can't....

DB: That's what I thought. I'm putting you on the schedule for Nuggets vs. Kings, game starts at 9:30 PM, pregame at 8. See you" (click)

No, no, NOOOO! This can't be. I have to work a job that STARTS at 9:30 on NEW YEARS EVE? So basically, I can't be there for my own fucking party! That is just great. And ultimately, I would not even stick around at the company long enough to be there for "Next Year".

I Emailed a bunch of co-button pushers who were stuck with work on new years also and asked if they could take the night shift, but every single one of them shot me the same question right back: Can YOU fill in for ME on New Year's? Some of them even offered me bribes of up to $50 to take their shifts. Um, I already got my hands full. Thanks for the help you fucking tools. Not like I have a party to regulate or anything. See you in hell.

I considered just not showing up for the shift, but weighing my options I considered this company's potential stream of barely sufficient income in the next year more important than making sure nothing bad or catastrophic happens at this party. So I reluctantly agreed to do my duty at work, maybe have a couple of secret drinks to numb the pain of being there, get the fuck out as soon as I can, and find a regulator for my party to keep everything under control until I arrive.

I considered asking Phase, since he had previously thrown the legendary Berwyn Massacre, which can be read about more on his site. But Phase notoriously did not get along with several members of my entourage, making a culture clash seem imminent with him in charge. Phase was born and raised in a very affluent area of the city and came from an elitist private high school, whereas all the members of my crew are downtown boys who have "nerdy" and "artsy" tendencies that do not go over well with his kind. On the flipside, members of my downtown crew think Phase is superficial and only chooses friends who are good looking and sociable or funny. As for girls, they percieve him to be degrading and disrespectful to those who aren't attractive. So in order to avoid opening that controversial can of worms, I just decided to leave Phase to do what he does best: Phasing.

Next in line was my buddy Panic, the only other person in attendance who had any experience regulating a party whatsoever. He is an easy-going guy who can break the ice easily with parties and groups he does not know. Besides, he attended the same college as Mo Schlub, so I thought maybe that would let the venue host feel more at home. Panic was also responsible for more than 50 % of the confirmed attendees. So Panic it was.

I called Panic, told him the bad news about my job, and assigned him the task of regulating until i got there. He replied "Damn, that sucks man. I'll see what I can do". Typical douchebag response, but given the dire circumstances present, I'll take it.

So New Year's Eve came around, and Panic led all members of our crew up to the outskirts of Harlem and completely took over Mo Schlub's house at around 6PM. Meanwhile, I was holed up in some cubicle in Midtown, and armed with a flask full of vodka to make the time go quicker, I went to work. The joke is on my supervisor that I was never caught. And wait I did, through the most boring game of basketball I have ever listened to. Every minute of the game seemed like an hour, knowing that all hell could be breaking loose at my party uptown. I asked Panic to call me with updates periodically, but every time he did, there was so much noise around that I could barely hear a word he was saying. Thanks.

Then, about halfway through my shift, I got a call from an unknown number. I picked it up, and it was from some chick. She introduced herself as CockTease, a girl who had come to my party the year before and definitely earned her nickname by teasing every single male at the party. Including my friend OverweightDate, making her the first girl under 300 pounds he ever had a crush on. This girl was also a facebook photo whore of the highest magnitude, obnoxiously annoying and carrying some serious emotional baggage. Therefore, NONE of my friends liked her.

I wondered why the hell she was calling me- for i did not remember inviting her. She affirmed that yes, indeed I did invite her:

CT: "Hi, I'm outside your party, and no one's letting me in

SD: I'm not there right now, I can't.

CT: Could you please send someone downstairs to let me in?

SD: Maybe

CT: Please, pleease" (click)

Whoops, my phone just died. That's just great. I still have at least an hour left in this fucking game and I have absolutely no means of communication to my own party.

The second the final buzzer sounded, I immediately ditched all post-game coverage (My apologies to the maybe 5 people nationwide who actually give a shit about a basketball game on New Years Eve), made up some lie to check out with my supervisor, and got the fuck out of there. I took a $20 cab ride up to the party site, because I did not trust the subway on New Year's 20 minutes before midnight. I finally walked through the door almost exactly at the stroke of midnight, and my friend G immediately ran up to me, almost white with exhaustion. "Dude, thank god you're here. All hell has broken loose". Instantaneously, Panic ran up to me as well, a hysterical look on his face: "Where the fuck were you? We tried calling a million times. Oh my god, this is so awful. WHERE the fuck have you been?" I had to explain to everyone, for the ten billionth time, that I had to work. Then, I cornered Phase, and since he seemed like the soberest man present, I asked him to recount everything that went down. In order of catastrophe, here is what I missed:

-Casa Nova had been drinking at an alarming rate, and he seemed almost destined for a repeat of last year's performance on the toilet seat. This was one subplot that was yet to hit its climax.

-As he does every time me or one of my friends throws a party, "OverweightDate" randomly showed up, and annoyed the piss out of everyone when he would not shut up about how much he needed to use a computer to check a certain fat people dating site.

-Among the large entourage of people Panic had bought to the party were four rather JAPpy Long Island girls, who were Panic's groupies. One of them, DrunkJAP, was incredibly intoxicated by the time she got there. As he usually does, Phase immediately approached the most vulnerable one out of the four and had struck up a decent conversation with DrunkJAP in his usual Phasing style, when all of a sudden, with no warning she passed out right onto him. Her three friends scooped up her corpse and looked to find a bed to lay her down on. Mo Schlub, being a wise host, had locked his bedroom door before the first guest arrived. However, being the criminalistic ones, Panic's team of JAPS picked the lock, BROKE INTO his bedroom and plopped DrunkJAP down on his bed. Because he was too busy dealing with all the other drama at this party, Mo decided to send his girlfriend, NastyPenguin, to take on the three of them and get them out of there. A destructive three-on-one brawl nearly broke out, if not for Panic standing in between the conflicting parties and literally pleading for the warring factions to break it up. I mean seriously, what guy tries to break up a catfight? I guess that's what I got for telling him to regulate.

-Tensions between Panic's posse and Mo Schlub's camp erupted further when Panic's roommate "BroncHorse" had beef with Mo for absolutely no reason. Apparently it was a feud that began at the upstate NY college they both attended, and escalated when Mo pointed to BroncHourse and told Panic to "get that sketchy fuck out of my house". Upon my arrival, BroncHorse went into a profanity-laced tirade about how badly he wanted to "fuck Mo up" if he ever saw him on the streets of their upstate NY campus. Fortunately BroncHorse was courteous enough to not fuck up the host in his own house, but as a token of his appreciation he jacked three bottles of wine from Mo's family fridge. BroncHorse is generally a cool guy, but on this night I guess he wanted to live out his reputation of being "The Sketchy One".

-But most importantly of all is the story of CockTease. If you remember that I said all my friends hated her, I mean EVERYONE. And no one possibly thought she would be there. But lo and behold, she was one of the 300 or so names I clicked on facebook in promotion of the event. So what did she do? She showed up with 10 DUDES. There was already a dude-heavy ratio at the time, and if all of her entourage were let in not only would the party be overcrowded but a total sausage-fest. When news of her presence at the door surfaced at the party, absolutely no one wanted the responsibility of letting her in. Upon a coin-flip or something, it was decided that AliPants, a high school girl who was part of my friend C-Town's crew, would be the one to deal with her.

So AliPants went up to the party door, recognized CockTease through the peephole from the previous year's party, remembered that absolutely no one liked her, and opened the door to TEASE her entrance into Mo's apartment, before slamming it right in her fucking face! What can I say about AliPants, she definitely dispelled my long-held notion that drunk high school girls can't think on their feet!

Not one to admit defeat and go back to where she came from, what did CockTease do? On her way out of the building, she pulled a fucking FIRE ALARM, putting Mo and all the partygoers in a state of shock. A fire truck even came by the site of the party, and it's a miracle this shit was not broken up. Because think about it- working men in uniform and a crowd of partially underage kids drinking booze do not mix.

But by some miracle and bizarre stroke of luck, this party literally survived fire, brimstone, hell and high water to last until my entrance. Once all this had finally sunk in- I decided that having to work on New Year's Eve, and my party turning into a state of disaster, constituted me really needing a drink. So I gave my camera to my buddy Sportskid, one of the brave revelers who had stayed through all of this, and told him to film me as I hoisted a handle of vodka, screamed something to make everyone pay attention, and chugged the shit out of it for a good 10-15 seconds. This video can still be found somewhere on the Internet

Immediately afterwards, Casa Nova grabbed the same handle and tried to out-chug me. I tried to head into the bathroom and take a piss, but Nova beat me there. And sure enough, what did I hear? That's right, Vomiting. This whole scenario from the year before had repeated itself. Instead of waiting for Nova to clean himself out, I decided to drink some more and survey the damage. I went into Mo's bedroom only to see DrunkJAP passed out, surrounded by all her friends, as well as OverweightDate alone in the corner, completely bumming Mo's computer without permission to look at, sure enough, that certain fat people dating site. Why he ever made it into my group of friends is beyond me.

I went into the living room to see Panic HOOKING UP with AliPants. Despite their 7 year age difference, and certified pedophilia status in select states, I guess it just felt right at the time. Insert your own jokes there.

Then, I challenged Phase to a drinking game or something. This led to a dare by Phase that I would wrestle his friend Smokey, who was not in attendance. Drinking at an alarming rate myself, I thought Phase was daring me to wrestle someone at this party. Maybe an hour later, I would get that chance, when Mo Schlub brought his friend "TheBenj" through the door.

At this point I was blacked out so I have no recollection of this, but according to Phase I raced up to The Benj and with shot glass in hand, challenged him to a wrestling match on the spot. TheBenj responded "I don't know this kid, he's drunk. Why should I wrestle him?" But apparently, everyone in the party pressured him not to be such a pussy. After all they had been through, they sure could use some decent entertainment. So I put him in a headlock, he pushed me into Mo's table, and we both fell on the ground, but luckily I landed on top of him, yielding a pin-fall victory. I really wish this had been captured on film as well, because according to Phase it was like "watching 2 drunk monkeys fighting for a banana". I won the match, in a blackout. Impressive.

But Mo Schlub was not amused by these two titans of drunkenness going at it in his house, and he deemed me too much of a menace for my own party! Together with Panic, he assigned Phase and Sportskid to take me home safely before any more damage occured on his house. Poor guy.

The three of us took a cab back to my house, and I walked in stumbling, my stomach about to explode. Several slices of BBQ Chicken Pizza I had eaten earlier were coming back at me. My last conscious memory from this night is Sportskid and Phase struggling to direct me towards the toilet, where I unleashed a hailstorm of puke. According to Sportskid, I began my first wave exactly as my mom was coming downstairs to check on me, so I was like "Oh, hey mom, BLAAAAHHHH!!"

Apparently after the first and second waves were done, my mom combined with my two brave escorts carried my lifeless body off the toilet and onto the couch, where I made another bloody mess a few seconds later. Then, the three of them combined to carry my body up a full flight of stairs to my room and throw me into bed.

My first clear memory of 2007, it was morning and all the sheets on my bed had been removed, because apparently there was a fourth wave of vomit which demolished them. Then my mom came into my room and gave me the words "Don't you ever, EVER, EVER, do that again." My response: "Shut up. You don't need to convince me there."

Afterword: Upon reading over this past story, for the first time I feel some kind of regret towards all I put Mo Schlub through that New Year's Eve. Mo has subsequently canceled his Myspace, leaving no possible means of communication with the outside world. Therefore, I have no way of expressing how sorry I really am after all this time. And let me tell you, if all that crazy shit happened at my house, you're damn right I would cut off all contact with society and go into exile. But maybe someday, if this website becomes big enough he will read this, and we could just bury the fucking hatchet and I could just say "Dude, I was wack".