This story has the same format as the Scotty's Stories blog, "Funny Stuff I Hear" However, since this is a long and amazing conversation, I guess it can serve as a full-length story:

March 2009

I am in Starbucks, trying to obtain information on how to activate a membership card to be able to use the Internet. I walk up to the cashier calmly. A clearly annoyed tall black man, he has an attitude with me as soon as I open my mouth. Sometimes I wonder why a prominent multi-billion dollar corporation such as Starbucks employs some of the most ignorant and idiotic people on Earth, while with my multi-billion dollar college degree it is nearly impossible for to lock down a focus group. But that’s for another story.

Bob: Welcome to Starbucks, how can I help you?

Me: Excuse me, can I activate my card?

Bob: Can you what your what?

Me: Can I put money on my card?

Bob: What card?

Me: MY Star Bucks Card So I Can Get On The Internet?

Bob: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Me: In-Ter-Net. Com-Pu-Ters. On-Line. I have work to do.

Bob: You’re gonna have to talk to (co-worker) Shirley. Hey Shirley! Maybe you can understand what the hell this guy is talking about.

Shirley: Welcome to Starbucks, how may I help you?

Me: Can you please tell me how I can get online?

Shirley: You mean how to activate your card to purchase the online plan?

Me: Yes. What am I going to have to do? Donate a limb? Jump off a plane?

Shirley: You’re going to have to go online to purchase points for your card, which can then be converted into Internet hours.

Me: HOW am I going to be able to do that if you can’t fucking tell me how to get online?

Shirley: Please lower your voice sir. There is a police precinct next door and I do not want to call them.

Me: I mean COME ON! All I’m trying to do is get on the damn Internet.

Shirley: Well that’s going to cost money, sir.

Me: How much money are we talking about? Come on, give me something good god damn it!

Shirley: Hold on, let me ask (another co-worker) Katie. Hey Katie! Can you tell me how much it’s gonna cost for this guy to purchase a card to sign up for the pre-paid plan for him to get wireless access here?

Katie: I have no idea. Any of you guys?

Bob: No clue.

Me: YOU FUCKING WORK HERE! It is your job to know this stuff.

Shirley: Well we don’t. It’s the corporation’s rules.

Me: And you wonder why your stock price is plummeting. In two years, I will take over your corporation and eat you all alive.

Bob: Have a nice day sir.

Me: I’m just saying, man.

Bob (aggravated): HAVE A NICE DAY! Bye. Go.

Me: You have a nice day, sir.

Bob (under his breath, but audible): Dickhead

Me: (under my breath, but slightly louder, enough to ensure that Bob can hear): Asshole.