2006-07

My first official "Job" job after I graduated college was a part-time position at one of America's top radio providers. I have mentioned this position before, because it was the one which completely devastated my New Year's party in the year 2007.

But even in that tiny description, I could not exactly convey just how many ways I absolutely got on these guys' nerves. I mean, don't get me wrong, this was probably the only job I actually liked. It was a position essentially handed to me through a family connection, and involved sitting in a large room with a lot of people listening to a sports game and pushing a couple of buttons once in a while to assure that ads ran at appropriate times and there was no dead air. We were told in our initial hiring talks that every second of airtime was listened to and scrutinized by millions of sports fans. However, for some of the games I had to do I questioned the validity of that statement. (Ex. Idaho Disciplinary Prep Falcons vs. Montana State Seminary College Mountain Hawks). When I could hear individual claps from the crowd during the game, and announcers that sounded like teenagers, I could tell that NO ONE gave a shit about my game.

It was a job that allowed me to rekindle an interest in the sporting world without having to make a large financial commitment of going to games, buying merchandise, and other fan-related activities. Those activities I will NEVER take part in again, for a very strong reason. But that's for another story.

Instead, I let the sporting world make ME money. It wasn't that much money, because all I could do is come in and do 3-4 hours of a game and take whatever I could. But, then again, money is money. That's where the positives end.

Negative Number One: This job took away anything even barely resembling a traditional "weekend". NFL, college bball, and hockey games went well into the wee hours of the morning on Friday and Saturday nights, and the NFL games were ALL DAY Sunday.

Number Two: From the middle of June to the beginning of September, there was absolutely nothing for me to do, because all their major sports had ended. This meant long stretches of time just... sitting on my ass and doing nothing, waiting for a call to pick up a lone shift.

Number Three: My supervisors and co-workers were nothing but the worst pieces of douchebag dogshit you have ever seen. This was the most anti-social job I have ever worked, and yet the only way to move up and advance to other positions in the company was through social interaction and making your own connections. No "team meetings", no happy hours, no field trips, just sitting at a desk for four hours, then you leave and that's it. Maybe say hi to someone in the bathroom, or maybe when you're getting a soda, but that was the extent of the social interaction. And not like any of these people had any personality that was worthy of starting a conversation with anyway.

Number Four: This position required a bladder of steel, which unfortunately none of us possess. Once your shift began, there were absolutely NO bathroom breaks allowed until the last second of post-game coverage was over and done with. Not even a quick halftime piss- there was always something going on which needed careful monitoring. Many times I broke this rule during a boring talk segment and many times I was caught. The worst were NFL or Nascar Sundays, with an 11AM call time after a long night of drinking. Just when you sit down at your desk for a long shift, you feel a heavy beer shit coming from the pizza slices you ate at 3:30AM the night before. That pain is essentially indescribable, and like nothing I have endured since.

Number Five: Keeping me off the Internet when there is a computer in front of me is the equivalent of keeping Lindsay Lohan from taking drugs at a party. It just won't happen. There was absolutely no Internet usage permitted when a shift was in progress. But of course, this tempted me to check my Email, check a website, check Youtube, or anything that didn't have do with the game. This was likely what got me into the most trouble, because it was a rule barely enforced in our initial training, and one I guess we needed to learn ourselves. I never did. In fact, the creation of this very website occured, "illegally" during a shift of this job.

So how long did I last in this position? Amazingly, exactly a year. I was caught breaking these "rules" several times, but always seemed to elicit a genius cover-up. Also, keep in mind that this was back in 06' and 07', when the economy of the USA was fairly stable and thriving, unlike the absolute mess it is now (in 2009). So how close did I get to an embarrasing situation. Here's how:

Valentine's Day, February 07'. I had to take a night shift and couldn't find time to grab a bite and get the food out of my system beforehand. So I had no choice but to stop off at the nearest Wendy's and get some food to eat during the game I had to do. I ordered a chili and a hamburger, and put it in a brown paper bag to take upstairs. It was a rainy, snowy mess outside, and as you may know paper bags and moisture do not mix. So I ran across the street and jumped into the elevator up to the studio.

While I was in the elevator, I noticed the bag's instability. I checked in quickly and ran over to the desk I was supposed to operate from. Just as I was about to sit down, the bag gave way, splattering the remnants of my chili all over the desk and surrounding area. Keep in mind that there was someone who worked out of that desk during the day, and subsequently was not happy to find the remnants of a chili dinner all over her stuff. I tried not to make that big a deal of it, and cleaned up the mess the best I could, but it was not enough. My supervisor said nothing to me about the incident, so I thought it would be forgotten. The next morning at 9AM, I got a call from my boss, DeuschBag. He was not happy. Here is how out conversation went, verbatim:

DB: Good morning Mr. Dukes.

Me: Morning.

DB: I hate to inform you, but there's been an explosion.

Me: Excuse me?

DB: Last night, apparently there was an explosion.

Me : Wow, that's awful, sorry to hear.

DB: An explosion of meat and cheese and sauce at the desk you were working at.

Me (barely, painstakingly holding back my laughter): Oh was there really? That's awful.

DB: Yeah it was pretty bad. They had to re-apply the carpeting, one of the worst jobs I've ever seen.

Me: OK. So why are you telling me this?

DB: Because you were the only one at that desk last night, and I would have to suspect you. Everyone is saying that you did it.

Me: I know NOTHING about this, sir

DB: You're sure you know nothing about this.

Me: Absolutely sure. I had nothing to do with this.

DB: OK that's fine. In that case we'll have to review the security tapes to see who did. Sorry to bother you, have a nice day.

Amazingly, not another word was ever said about it after this conversation. So I miraculously managed to escape the ax here, but you may be wondering how I got it eventually. It happened after a shift around Thanksgiving of 07', with no advance warning. However, one of my co-workers, an attractive woman named "Rave", somehow knew. The day before what was to be the last shift I ever worked, she said this to me: "I hope you're having a nice day today", and she winked at me after her shift ended. I had seen that girl hitting on every single other one of my co-workers, but she had never said a single word to me before that night. Then, the next day, DeuschBag called and confirmed the obvious: that he and the supervisors had been watching me screw up for awhile and just couldn't help me out anymore. No goodbyes, no thank yous, he just said "Your employment has been terminated. Have a nice day. Goodbye".

It turns out that less than six months after I was gone, the company completed a controversial business transaction, and its stock price has recently plummeted to less than a dollar a share, so I probably would have been "terminated" soon enough anyway. But the fact that one of my co-workers sandbagged me like that, and it took the company months of not saying shit to me before they suddenly cut me off like that, makes me regret ever going there. Now I miss the job, because sports jobs are harder and harder to come by, but at the time it felt like my world was over. What should have been the most positive work experience of my life went down in flames. Have a nice day