June 2002

It has always been my belief that a person's favorite Youtube videos are a good measure of what kind of person they are. So it wouldn't be much a surprise to figure out that two of my favorite Youtube videos are one of a guy who can't stop laughing, and one of a guy who can't hold his laughter in at an inappropriate time.

That is because holding in laughter has always been a problem for me. When I was a wee one back in 95' my teacher had to kick me out of a courtroom on an elementary school trip to the Department of Justice because I could not contain my reaction to a juror's wet hacking cough. A year later in hebrew school, I busted out during a memorial service because the cantor's voice was cracking. But the penultimate example of my tick to bust out at an inappropriate time happened back in June of 02'

Long before I was old enough to torture my first bouncer, me and my crew of friends used to commit a similar kind of annoyance to employees of the restaurants, pizza places, and Chinese take-out joints of New York City.

Many members of my original crew, unlike me, have matured since to become responsible and by all accounts "normal" adults, boyfriends, and members of the workforce. But back in those teenage years, we were all rowdy, boisterous, and juvenile in some way. Our gang included three sets of siblings, parents, and occasional hangers-on. We spanned two age ranges of nerds. A popular tradition among us was whenever one of the members of our gang had a birthday, we would pick a restaurant and all gather, 12, 15, sometimes up to 20 deep, and raise hell. Practical jokes were played (mostly on me), insults were thrown, loud chants often started, and everyone except for us inside the restaurant was annoyed.

One restaurant in particular became a favorite gathering place of our gang. It was called Uno's. So that fateful night in June 2002 we gathered for a birthday as usual. Little did we know that our reputation of Uno's as a go-to place would never be the same. We began the night with a couple chants, a couple jokes about the way I eat food, and then the practical jokes began, and insults when several members of our table began to depart for the bathroom. My friend "Kadavir" in particular had mastered the art of bathroom harassment. Kadavir has always been a mindfuck, but was never so goddamn reprehensible as he was on this particular night.

When it was my turn to shit my bowels out, I had become so accustomed to Kadavir's looming restroom presence that I didn't even mind his rambling and occasional peeking into the stall (I think, and I hope to God, that he was joking). But unfortunately for all of us, my friend "Mastafork" did not take it nearly as well.

I will NEVER forget when Mastafork ran out of the restroom, screaming at Kadavir at the top of his lungs, "FAG! FAG! FAG!' over and over again. His screams caught the attention of the restaurant manager, a heavyset man in his late 30s. Very enraged by Mastafork's tone, the manager came over to our table. We all started laughing. He told us to "shut up you little brats". We finally settled down and he began to speak. Mastafork's behavior had earned us a lecture that no amount of college tuition would be worthy of. Here is his speech, the best I remember it:

"You little teenage brats think this is funny? You think homosexuality is funny? Then you definitely need a lesson in sensitivity. For I, myself, am a homosexual." (Absolutely NOTHING in his tone of voice, appearance, or dress, gave even the slightest hint of this being true). "You think that only guys like him" (points to Kadavir) "...are homosexuals? Guys who wear shiny clothes, guys who talk like girls, guys who spend their Sundays shopping at the mall instead of watching the game? Well you're dead wrong. I was the most athletic man in my class, I played football for 12 years, I was an All-State defensive back, and I am a proud homosexual. And if any of you heathens even dare to ever come into this restaurant again, I'll break your fucking necks."

I was sitting next to my friend "G", who this whole time had been struggling to keep it in. But I knew right at this point that this guy was full of shit. This was the worst constructed lie I had ever heard. I thought to myself that there's no fucking way he's really gay, and I busted out laughing, causing G to do the same. This caused him to lose it.

"You guys think this is funny? You think this is fucking funny? I'll break your fucking neck right now!" He put his fists forth in a threatening gesture. This caused an almost shortage of breath as I tried to hold my laugh in. Cause let's face it, gay or straight those defensive linebacker muscles would probably be able to outlast at least 8 out of my 10 friends present. When I finally found the air to breathe out, he pointed us towards the door:

"Leave your payment with Pauline at the front desk. Please leave now, and you guys are never allowed back." Regretfully, we complied. So thus is the tale of how we got banned from our favorite restaurant.

But not for long. We returned three months later, when the next member of our circle had a birthday. And fortunately, the fake Mario Cantone-on-steroids poser had been replaced at the desk, by a hostess that didn't care who the hell we were, to a collective world's biggest sigh of relief all around. Uno's has since closed, but it will always be remembered for that one time I just couldn't hold it in.