Here's a good college one

January 2005

During my last two years of college I knew this kid named "Surf Gangsta". He was one crazy sonofabitch. He rolled with a HUGE crew of like-minded crazy college motherfuckers called "The RollerKingdom Crew". Their antics were well-known and documented around campus, and their series of parties at a certain Massachusetts roller rink more than earned them their nickname.

Most usually in college, kids like these would spit on me, beat me up, and eat me for breakfast for being just a little different. But not this wild bunch. Maybe the fact that I was one year ahead of them gave me a slight bit of street cred, but these kids saw my weirdness right away, and they were so crazy that they embraced it and took me on as one of their party crew.

In early 2005 Surf Gangsta and his partner-in-crime "RollerKingdom" lived in a tiny apartment not far from me. They waited until the biggest snowstorm of the year, and then they bought a Mercury-level heating device and filled every square inch of their apartment with 3 inches of sand.

How the fuck did they get enough sand to turn their entire apartment into a mini-beach? Beyond me. I guess SurfGangsta knew a guy who knew a guy and so forth. Trust me, he had to have his share of connections to pull off some of the epic-size bashes they did. And believe me, it was a big pain in the ass for them to get all that shit outta there after the party. So big that I had to assist them.

So in the biggest blizzard of the year, The RollerKingdom Crew threw a party where people were not allowed in without their swimwear, the so-called "Blizzard Beach Bash". Of course, I did not have any, and regular shorts "did not count". As much as the RKC loved me, they also loved to put me in humiliating situations, and tonight would be the mother of them all. So, they demanded that I go commando- wearing just my underwear, or else I would not be allowed in. Back then I was not 21 yet, with 21 inches of snow quickly accumulating on the ground, I was not technically allowed into any party but theirs. So commando it was.

At first, it looked like this was gonna be a great time. I drank tons of beer, the entire RollerKingdom Crew was there whooping it up, what could possibly go wrong? At a certain time after I was thoroughly shit-faced though, members of the crew began to notice my biggest weakness- the fact that I was just one short pull away from showing my dick to the entire party.

I do not remember much from this part of the night, but according to SurfGangsta, at one point, I was depantsed, and for about 10 solid seconds before I realized it, I gave the entire party a shot of my wang. And he swears to God that I screamed " I don't give a fuck, motherfucker" in fact forcing an apartment full of college kids, the majority of them male, to stare at my weiner.

But that was not even the worst of it. About five minutes later, that same pair of boxers sustained a fatal gash at the hands one of RollerKingdom's raucous friends, "Half Gallon" who weilded a massive gay penchant, and pocketknife. Yet again, my dick hung free and clear for all to see, but this time it was permanent. For Half Gallon had cut off practically an entire side of my underwear.

Who knows how much longer I was at this party, because I was stumbling drunk and beyond comprehension. I'm sure some concerned folks attempted to explain the situation, but talking to me at this point in drunkenness was as good as talking to a crack-addled Chinese monkey.

I was drunk to the point where you could tell me anything- you could tell me there is a fucking tiger loose next door, or that my wallet and credit cards were stolen, whatever, and I would give you a blank stare like you are speaking Japanese, and then a louder-than-socially appropriate "What? Huh?" and then walk away. This little tick of mine has been made semi-famous among the RollerKingdom Crew because it was captured on film during my (extremely drunk) interview approximately two minutes into this video.

Needless to say, telling me "dude, your dick is showing" probably elicited a similar response. So everyone who was unfortunate enough to be at that party at that time recieved a double, very prolonged dose of indecent exposure. In fact, one girl may have been scarred for life.

"Melissa" was a friend of a friend of SurfGangsta who happened to be there. We had been in the same class the previous year and had exchanged several conversations and drinks. But in the year and a half after this night, she gave me a look of disgust and repulsion every time I passed her on campus or showed up to the same bar as her, and never even went so far as to wave hi to me ever again. In fact, every single friend of hers who I had ever been in contact with did the same thing. I never got to say another sentence to her, but if I ever had that chance, it would be something like this: "What's up with you girl? You can't handle a weiner? Must be a sight you're not used to seeing, so no wonder you were scared of it."

Talk about ackward.