Four girls are sitting in a coffee shop, enjoying their Sunday afternoon brunch

Rachel: Jess just broke up with her boyfriend.

Lisa: OMG, I feel so bad for her.

Kira: We should do, like a Newly Single party or something for her next weekend.

Danielle: How did he do it?

Rachel: He wined and dined her, then at the end of the meal he just came out and said it. He was dating some skank he railed in Cabo.

Kira: OMG, OMG that's so sad.

Rachel: She was just sitting there afterwards, bawling over a bottle of wine, like "Don't break me up just yet" (This past sentence is NOT a typo. This is what I heard come out of the girl's mouth)

Danielle: That's so unclassy.

I walk into a bar called "The Perfect Pint" and for some reason, I am suddenly the center of attention.

Girl 1: Ask this guy, go ahead ask him.

Girl 2: Why, he's just a stranger?

Girl 1: Just do it.

Girl 2: Excuse me sir...

Me: Is there anything I can help you with ladies? Any dispute I can help resolve?

Girl 2: Do you think my friend needs any work done on her boobs?

(Her friend, an emaciated Asian girl, clutches her tits)

Me: To tell you the truth, yeah I guess she could use some work.

(Girl 1, the emaciated asian, throws a full glass of water onto my shirt)

Girl 2: That was the wrong answer.

Me: But I'm sorry. Just giving my honest opinion, like you asked for.

Girl 1: You move along now, and don't come anywhere near us.

Me: VICTORY!

(I am sorry to rip off Johnny Drama from Entourage, but that one instance called for it)

Bartender: I think that warrants a drink. What are you having?

Me: Something strong enough to make me forget that ever fucking happened

(He failed)

My friend "Phase" is in an elevator with a girl who obviously looks too stupid to know anything about the current financial crisis. She wears a Bank Of America hoodie that her dad most likely gave her.

Phase: Why do you wear sweatshirts that represent failing financial institutions?

DaddysGirl: What do you mean?

Phase: I mean, your bank is fucked. Took out too many subprime loans, their credit's gone to shit.

DaddysGirl: What are you talking about?

Phase: Your sweatshirt dumbass.

DaddysGirl: OMG, I have, like no idea of anything you're saying. I saw this shirt on Chelsea Lately, and I like had to get it.

Phase: Are you even aware the financial world is crumbling?

DaddysGirl: Umm, no, I gotta get to class.

Phase: You obviously go to (university known for obnoxiously spoiled rich girls), right?

DaddysGirl: OMG, like how did you know?

Phase: Because unlike you, I can put two and two together.

I am sitting next to two female field hockey players on the train, who are visiting from out of town for a tournament or something. This conversation really dispels my notion that female collegiate athletes are strong-hearted souls who do not succumb to the usual drunken ineptitude of their non-athletic peers.

Jen: We're getting back around 10, just in time for our dance party!

Rachel: I like this guy a lot, but do I need to dance with him for 2 hours straight?

Jen: If you get bored, just drink more and flirt with the other guy you like.

Rachel: Whatever. Who cares if it's Matt or Steve- as long as i get some action i guess it's all good.

Jen: You dirty slut.

Another one of my friends, Josh, recently got a "how do I know you?" message on facebook from a girl he had not seen in over 6 years, since a high school summer program a long time ago. The girl seems to have lost some brain cells over the years. Here is how the conversation went, Verbatim:

Jane Smith:...I don't remember you...where did we meet again?

Josh Katz: At a bar in Georgetown but I'm in NYC now. You look fantastic are you single?

Jane Smith: How long ago was this?

Josh Katz: A few summers ago, like 6 years. I'm friends with Ariel Gold just like u

Jane Smith: Okay, I think maybe I have forgotten the past 6 years of my life. hahaha

Josh Katz: That's kind of sad... what's your number I'll have to call you and get reacquainted.

Jane Smith: How do I know Ariel? Do you have any pics of you on your facebook so I can see if I remember?

Josh Katz: You're too vacuous to be true. You need 6 years of brain amputation just to be a normal functioning retard.