A little kid is with his dad by the pool at our hotel on South Beach. This exchange made me crack up:

Kid: Daddy, where is mommy and aunt Ruthie?

Dad: They're too busy watching reality TV to have their own lives

Kid: What's reality TV daddy?

Dad: Basically, Timmy, real TV has scripts and actors where reality TV has idiots who try to be famous.

Kid: Why are they idiots if they're on TV?

Dad: Because they have no brains, act blindly in a quest for attention, and have no lives.

Kid OK. Tell Aunt Ruthie to get a goddamn life and stop watching that rubbish.

Dad: I can't be sure about that son, but I might have to steal her TV just to teach her a goddamn lesson. Come on son, let's go back in the pool

As me and my friend are playing play beer pong at a bar, there is a party of black guys and girls behind us who begin toasting and screaming. And not just "Heeeeyyyy" screaming, but shrill, top-of-your lungs screaming. And they did so repeatedly. For no reason other than to annoy the crap out of everyone in the bar. Unless there is an understandable reason for that, such as someone's 21st birthday or a sports team's championship or something, I find it very irritating.

Tyrone: This is for the real Beer Pong champions.

Everyone: Yeeeahahhhh

Tamika: WHOOOOO! YEEAAAHHH!

Me: Will you guys Shut up? We're trying to play a game here.

Tamika: You shut the fuck up, nigga. (Note: Do not get all pissed at me. This is not me writing, this is what was said to me by an obnoxious girl)

Me: Um, excuse me, but the last time I checked, I am white.

Tamika leaves her table, walks over to the beer pong table, and interrupts our game to yell at me

Tamika: What the fuck do you mean, last time I checked i am white? What the fuck did you think I called you?

Me: Well, something other than what I am

Tamika: Why the fuck do you think I would call you something like that?

Me: I HAVE NO IDEA, but you did. Look, can I get back to my game? Move along.

Tamika: Uh uh, I ain't going nowhere til you tell me why I would call you that.

Me: I don't know! Listen, just drop it.

Tamika: I ain't droppin' shiiiit.

At this point, I struggle hard to hold in my laughter.

Me: Listen, everything is cool.

Tamika: That shit ain't cool. Why do you think I would call you a nigga for (Again, that is what came out of her mouth)

Me: I don't know, and frankly i don't care. Everything is fine, please calm down. It's our turn and I have a game to play.

Tamika: Go and play yo' broke-ass game. Stupid-ass white boy

Me: Goodbye

Tamika (as she is walking back to her table): That boy running his goddamn mouth. He lucky I don't smack him upside his head talkin that bullcrap.

Here's a random one. And hopefully I will do this every single week from now til eternity. The Facebook Status of the Week has got to go to my old friend "Z100Ho":

Z100Ho (facebook status): can i just be a housewife? i swear i earned my MRS degree at BU.

Me: Really? Was that really the title of your degree?

Z100Ho: yes, the BA in psych was all for show ... i was really taking classes in looking cute in aprons, walking in high heels, and serving cold beer while my significant other watches the game (no talking while i serve).

Me: Well there's an honest statement if I've heard one in the past 15 seconds.

This morning, while possibly drunk at 11AM, my friend "James" let loose and spoke freely on his feelings on the economic recession and the media, in an IM exchange which had me in tears laughing. I thought I would share that IM conversation with you guys, verbatim. And to give you an idea of how maniacal he was, I'm going to give you the actual time codes of his IMs in addition to the conversation. Each time marker is a single IM sent. ENJOY!:

Me: 11:25:34 AM Katie Couric knows what's up.

James: 11:25:37 who the fuck is she?

Me: 11:25:48 She was the one who reported the crocs shoes layoffs

James: 11:25:49 She's a female?

Me: 11:25:51 No shit. You don't know who katie couric is HAHAHA

James: 11:25:53 what does she know?

Me: 11:25:57 a lot.

James: 11:26:06 i know the name. I dont watch television moron. That's for you and other stupid people

Me: 11:26:11 She is host of the cbs evening news- she OWNED Sarah Palin last year, remember?

James: 11:26:13 i dont know or care

Me: 11:26:20 Not everyone who works in the media is an idiot, just letting you know

James: 11:26:23 yes they are

11:26:25 99.99999% are

11:26:27 fuck the media they're worthless

Me: 11:26:30 if you say so

James: 11:26:35 you only like the media because u don't know or understand anything else and any incompetent stupid person can.

Me: 11:26:40 That's not entirely true.

James: 11:26:48 then why do you know so much about it and "famous people"

11:26:53 they distort facts and bias their reports based on corporate interests

Me: 11:26:57 right....

James: 11:27:02 i don't fucking care about any media outlet

11:27:04 they all lie

11:27:06 and give AWFUL economic news

11:27:09 they can't report for SHIT

11:27:10 i want more failure

11:27:11 NOW

11:27:12 NOW

11:27:13 NOW

11:27:18 I want every person who cried wolf "the recession is ending" to be hanged in public or executed.

Can't help ya there, buddy

I am walking on Union Square when I notice a quite unusual sight. A girl whom I would commonly think to be a "buttslut", with a thick Long Island accent, who looks like she is walking towards one of the many overpriced NYC clubs she will attend tonight. With her, engaged in a deep conversation with her, is a BUM. That's right, a man begging for change on the street. Yes, a bum. Transfixed by this rare sight, I listen in:

Bum: ...People here in New York don't really realise how close they really are to being out on the streets, just like me. And it's all because of this great depression recession business. Like, one second you have your job, the next second you're out on the streets

Buttslut: Oh, absolutely. Like, there are so many girls here who are so like "Ohmigod, we have it all", when really they have nothing.

Me: I hope you don't mind me listening in on your conversation. You see, I'm a writer, and listening in to such stuff is good for my work.

Bum: Whatever you gotta do to make some money man. You see me, I got nothin'. I'm a normal guy, just like you, except I'm here on the street and I got nothing. You don't understand.

Me: I DO understand. I'm close to broke and I got nothing to my name.

Bum: You're lying to me. Are you makin' fun of me, cause I'll kill ya.

Me: Have less than 5 grand to my name and deteriorating fast, Honest to God.

Buttslut: WHAT did he just say?

Bum: You know, I can see your face, I believe you, a young dude just like yourself, worried about being out on the streets like me. Before you know it, it's gonna be true.

Me: What are you tryin' to say about me?

Bum: That before you know it, you could be out here like me.

Buttslut: You know, why don't you open your wallet and give this guy some change, because he is the real fuckin' deal.

Me: You talk? I'm surprised, because I'd imagine the only financial worry you would have tonight is the amount you are willing to spend on alcohol tonight. Over/under 200 bucks. I'd take the over.

Buttslut: Actually, dickhead, I'm just coming from the sushi roll to get dinner for me and my child, who I raised myself, by the way FUCK YOU, and getting the special because the family roll is two dollars. What smart-ass comment do you have to say now?

Me: Ok, OK. I guess I stand corrected. Anyway, Streetie (take out quarter from wallet), here's 25 cents.

Buttslut: Hey, hey, why are you calling him Streetie? Don't you think that's a little racist?

Bum: I got kids, dickhead.

Buttslut: And don't you think 25 cents is a little cheap? This guy is the real fuckin' deal OK?

Me: I am a man of the people, I will bestow my generosity on anyone who deserves it. And he does.

(As I am walking away) Buttslut: Fuckin' jerk. HE'll get what he deserves.

Well, I ended up getting so drunk that night, that it ended with me standing out on a street corner and asking groups of lower east side partiers: "brother, can you spare a dime", because I had spent all my money on drinks. So I Guess she was right. BUT, and I guess there is a "But" that strong-willed woman is currently being called called "Buttslut" on my site. Life isn't always fair. I guess not.