I had quite the Saturday yesterday. While waiting for the Kentucky Derby, I spent a couple hours drinking at a dive bar with these two great Long Island buttsluts. Apparently, they are quite the "dazzling duo", well known around NYC and their native Long Island. I told them about my site, and they wanted to be on it. Definitely got their wish. ENJOY!:

Monique:... So you're a storyteller eh? We bet that we have crazier stories than yours.

Lauren: Yeah. We've had guys take off all our clothes at parties.

Me: Been there, Done that. What else you got?

Monique: We've done Long Island ice tea chugging contests with Trent Hunter. We won.

Lauren: Yes we did!

Me: Who the fuck is that? Am I supposed to be impressed?

Monique: He plays for the Islanders. The whole team was there. Come on man, I thought you were a sports guy.

Me: Sorry. So you girls are hockey groupies?

Monique: Well that one night we kinda were. Hockey guys are total assholes tho. Anyway, You should create a site for us.

Me: Maybe I will. Tell me your best story.

Lauren: Come on.. tell him about that time...

Me: I am waiting, any day.

Monique: I don't think you want to hear this.

Me: Tell me your goddamn story or I will steal your camera, upload that pic I took of you girls 200 times, start a website called LongIslandsFinestHos.Com, and put the two of you front and center.

Lauren: Oh, I'm soo scared.

Monique: OK, like we were at this comedy club, and you know how when we go to comedy club and you're like, soo scared that the comedy guy is gonna make fun of you in front of everyone? (I'm not even gonna try to correct the grammar there, that's what she said)

Me: I know what you're saying.

Lauren: So Monique was wearing like, sixteen inch heels. And we were like, retarded drunk

Me: You can't be more retarded than you are right now.

Monique: Oh, believe me we were. We did another Long Island chugging contest in the parking lot.

Me: I see.

Lauren: Monique won. So Monique's going to the bathroom, and I was like, "Be careful, you're wearing heels"

Monique: So then, my heel breaks and I fall flat on my ass.

Lauren: Then, like, the comedian stops his act and everyone is staring at her.

Monique: He said something like "Get these girls a towel" (WHY? I could not believe my ears)

Lauren: Everyone was staring at her boobs and laughing

Me: That's IT? THAT's your funniest story?

Monique: Hey Lauren. He doesn't like it. Why don't you get on your knees right now and give him a better one?

(This would usually be the punchline of the story, but you gotta hear how this conversation ended between us. These girls are just beyond... beyond words)

Lauren: Maybe another time. We gotta go. Our friends are waiting. We are like, the funniest people though, remember that.

Me: Facebook?

Monique: We don't use Facebook it's too creepy.

Lauren: Yeah seriously, there was this thing with my ex-BF, and... it's just like so wrong for anyone to be on there. (And ho-ing yourself out to a pro hockey team is just fine? Go figure)

Me: Your number?

Lauren: My phone is getting surgery. I don't even know my number yet. (Just brilliant)

Me: Then how the hell am I supposed to get in touch with you?

Lauren: What's the name of your site? I have photographic memory (Yeah, right)

Me: Scottysstories.com

Lauren: OK, I will remember it...

Given these girls' level of intellectual curiousity, I sincerely doubt it. OK, "Lauren" and "Monique", if you are reading this right now, I would like you to send me an Email. I will not tell you how to do this, you figure it out. If you really remembered my site and can send me an Email, I will... give you a prize or something. My money's on NO!