I walk into a bar called "The Perfect Pint" and for some reason, I am suddenly the center of attention.

Girl 1: Ask this guy, go ahead ask him.

Girl 2: Why, he's just a stranger?

Girl 1: Just do it.

Girl 2: Excuse me sir...

Me: Is there anything I can help you with ladies? Any dispute I can help resolve?

Girl 2: Do you think my friend needs any work done on her boobs?

(Her friend, an emaciated Asian girl, clutches her tits)

Me: To tell you the truth, yeah I guess she could use some work.

(Girl 1, the emaciated asian, throws a full glass of water onto my shirt)

Girl 2: That was the wrong answer.

Me: But I'm sorry. Just giving my honest opinion, like you asked for.

Girl 1: You move along now, and don't come anywhere near us.

Me: VICTORY!

(I am sorry to rip off Johnny Drama from Entourage, but that one instance called for it)

Bartender: I think that warrants a drink. What are you having?

Me: Something strong enough to make me forget that ever fucking happened

(He failed)